Wild Cherry Slurpee
It was a beautiful sunny 72 degrees outside. Gracie had been relentlessly asking me to take her to the park. Very persistently, she would say, "Please, please Mommy, can we go to the park?” I really didn't want to stop what I was doing to take her, but I knew we both could use some fresh air and physical activity, so I agreed to take her. She shouted with joy, "YES!" with the biggest smile on her face as if I had just told her that Santa was going to be there.
Being homeschooled, Gracie doesn't get much time with other kids. She calls me her best friend. In some ways, she is mine too. We spend a lot of time together doing activities she would probably rather do with other children. However, she still desires to spend time playing with me. There isn't another human being who has seen all my sides, the good, the bad, and the ugly and still loves me and wants to spend every minute with me, except for Gracie. She continually chooses me to be her playmate. So going to the park was a good decision.
As we pulled into the parking lot, I could see the excitement on Gracie's face as she peered off in the distance at the playground with anticipation of our adventure. When we arrived, the park was completely empty, a rare sight on such a perfect day. Gracie didn't seem to mind and immediately swung open the car door and began to run full speed ahead to the jungle gym. Every time we have come to this park, she tries again to master the stepping stones hanging from long metal poles attached to a triangular structure. She usually jumps on with gusto and an attitude of sheer confidence in herself as if there was nothing she could not accomplish. Then one step on the large contraption swinging back and forth, she falters and begins to question her ability to accomplish the task of walking across the moving platform. I championed her to keep going. "You got this girl! You can do it!" Her voice quivered as she said, "I can't." To which I say, "Yes you can. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Keep going." Gracie attempts once again to overcome her nemesis but eventually, she relents and jumps off and begins running as fast as she can to the swing set, which she has mastered like a pro.
"Mommy, film me" is Gracie's famous phrase. She loves to see herself in the many videos we've recorded of her daily life. She feels like a star when she watches herself back on the screen. Every time I record her, she persistently reminds me, "Mommy, we still need to make my YouTube channel, Life With Gracie. My fans are waiting for me." To which I just smile and say, "Yes, Gracie. We definitely need to do that."
By this time, we were at the park for a whole 15 minutes before Gracie said she was done and wanted to go home because she had to use the bathroom. Most people would think it was a wasted trip for only 15 minutes. But for Gracie, she was fully satisfied with her adventure. Every time we go to this park we always stop at 7-11 and get a Slurpee as a treat. Honestly, I think she likes this part of our outings more than the actual park fun. I asked her if she could hold her need to use the bathroom until we got home so we could stop and get our favorite Slurpee as we usually do. The word Slurpee was all she needed to hear. Her urgency to use the bathroom seemed to mysteriously disappear. "I don't have to go anymore, Mommy. Yes, I want a Slurpee, she explained excitedly."
I called my husband, Doug, to ask him if he wanted a Slurpee too, and what kind. He very adamantly said, "Heck yeah. If you could mix wild cherry and Pepsi that would be great." Gracie must have heard his request for flavors because she grabbed a cup and proceeded to fill it with wild cherry, but unfortunately, the cup was not correctly positioned under the spout that was very quickly dispersing this red, slushy ooze. I immediately grabbed the handle which was stuck and yelled, "Gracie what are you doing? I told you to wait!" I quickly alerted Doug; "I have to go!" I hung up and proceeded to scold Gracie for making a mess. "Why did you do that?" Look at this mess. I told you to wait for me." I could see the look on her little face that said, "I'm sorry Mommy. I just wanted to help mix Daddy's drink." I could feel myself getting anxious and stressed because this kind of thing is an everyday occurrence with Gracie. If you have a special needs child, I'm sure you can relate.
As we approached the counter to pay for our drinks the man behind the counter was busy doing something and did not acknowledge us, which only increased my agitation. We paid for our drinks and went to the car. Now I should have just moved past this but once again I felt this frustration rise up in me and I began to tell Gracie, "If you had just waited for Mommy, we would not have made a mess. You never listen to me. Why do you do things like this?" Gracie dropped her head as tears began streaming down her sweet little face. By this time, I knew what I was saying was wrong and I needed to stop. I too had tears welling up in my eyes as I began to internally shame myself. 'Why do you always do this Deena? Why can't you just laugh at mishaps like this? Why do you always have to make such a big deal of it and hurt Gracie with your words?" I was so convicted by my actions. But instead of sitting in my shame or taking it out on Gracie more, I took it to Holy Spirit, and I asked for forgiveness. I asked Him to reveal to me why I get so triggered by these kinds of things. I don't want to be this way. I want to be a good mom. I want to respond out of love not my constant frustration and stress. I cried out, "Lord, please help me be better."
I turned to Gracie and quickly apologized to her for my terrible behavior towards her. "Gracie, Mommy is so sorry for yelling at you. Sometimes Mommy doesn't get it right and I am very sorry for making you feel bad. You did a good job trying to get Daddy's Slurpee. I am so proud of you." Gracie wiped her tears and proceeded to say, "It's OK Mommy. I love you," with a huge smile on her face, which made my mama's heart leap even more. One of Gracie's best qualities is her unbelievable ability to forgive and show love to someone even if they have not been so nice to her.
God continually uses my "freakouts" to draw me close to Him. To show me a better way. He never condemns me or removes His love from me. He gently guides me back into His loving embrace and reminds me I am not alone on this journey of parenting Gracie. It is the enemy that wants us to feel shame and guilt until it is so heavy you feel like you can't carry it anymore and you eventually give up. It's not just the Slurpee overflowing out of the cup that upsets you. It's the hundred other things that happened that day that compound the Slurpee mess that fuels the enemy's attempts to get you to believe you are a bad mom because you once again did not handle a situation right or you yelled or didn't take them to the park when you should have. It's a never-ending battle of the mind that you must overcome and take those thoughts captive and give them to Jesus.
As much as I mess up as a mom, and I do quite frequently as a special needs mom, I don't want to give the enemy power over my emotions, words, and actions. I must remind myself that I am the daughter of the Most High King and that truth redefines everything about me. He reminds me that my worth is not tied to my mistakes. They do not define me. Because of what Jesus did for me and you on the cross, we can come to Him anytime we want, even in our cars with tears streaming down our faces holding a messy Slurpee cup, and surrender it all to Him. We get to choose to let go of the shame and guilt of our actions and try again, and again, and again….
When the weight of your emotions feels too much to carry, stop, take a deep breath and remember whose you are. You are royalty, cherished and held by a King who delights in your heart, not your perfection. Your mistakes do not define you. Because of what Jesus did for you and me on the cross, we can come to Him anytime we want, even in our cars with tears streaming down our faces holding a messy Slurpee cup, and surrender it all to Him. We get to choose to let go of the shame and guilt of our actions and try again, and again, and again….
You must fight for your peace of mind and self-control. It does not just come to you. You must surrender even your bad actions and attitudes to Jesus. You just can't do this "special needs mom" thing without Him. At least I know I can't.
When we arrived back home from our day's adventures at the park and our Slurpee fiasco, Gracie ended up making me an apology card for making a mess at 7-11 with the Slurpee machine. My heart welled with gratitude because although I was the one who messed up she still took the time to bless me with her handcrafted sentiment. All I could think in that moment was, “Thank you God for blessing me with such a beautiful child who doesn’t see me through the lens of my flaws.
As I held Gracie’s handmade apology card, decorated with her favorite stickers and her carefully drawn hearts, my eyes welled up with tears. It wasn’t just a card—it was a reflection of the love and forgiveness she so freely offers, mirroring the very heart of God. In that moment, I felt overwhelming gratitude for the gift of being her mom. She reminds me every day that love doesn’t keep score, and grace doesn’t hold grudges. If my sweet girl, with her big heart and innocent spirit, can forgive me so easily, how much more does my Heavenly Father forgive and restore me?"
Parenting Gracie has taught me that while I may not always get it right, God’s grace is always enough, and with His help, I can keep showing up, learning, and loving—messy Slurpees and all.
So the next time life feels like an overflowing Slurpee mess, take a deep breath, lift it up to God, and remember: His grace is always bigger, His love is always stronger, and every day is a new chance to try again."
